SOLITUDE

• This is a fictitious autobiography of Jiah Khan, on the last day of her life.

           Jiah Khan, born as Nafisa Khan, was an American born British Indian actress, model and singer who appeared in Bollywood films. She made her film debut in the 2007 film Ram Gopal Verma’s Nishabd for which she was nominated for Film fare Best Female Debut Award. She was later noted for portraying modern, independent women in Ghajini which was the highest grossing Bollywood film of 2008. .She last appeared in Sajid Khan's directional film Housefull which was her second highest grossing Bollywood film of 2010.
On 4 June 2013, she was found dead in her apartment in her residence in the Sagar Sangeet building in Juhu, Mumbai after hanging herself..

They say Solitude is not the absence of Love, but its complement.

For me, Solitude is lack of company. I sometimes fear my own company! And I’m desperately looking for something to do, something to amuse myself with, and something to judge. Mom says if you are never alone, you cannot know yourself and if you do not know yourself, you will begin to fear the void. A big void exists for me. This void is so new and powerful that I am afraid to acknowledge its existence. I cannot take risks. With so much into my head right now, I cannot sleep. It is 9 A.M and I still haven’t got out of my bed. These days I see no light. I wake up not wanting to wake up. I check my cellphone with a little hope in my heart to see His message or at least a missed call, but in vain.

There was a time when I saw my life and future with Him. He promised me that once we made it to one year, we would get engaged. But he does not love me. Things are going from bad to worse. Unrequited love- and I wonder if it will be requited any day. I feel dead inside. I have never given so much of myself to love someone. He shattered all my dreams and returned my love with cheating and lies. The pain he has caused me has destroyed every bit of my soul. I cannot eat, drink, think or function. I want to run away from everything. When I first met him, I was both ambitious and disciplined and thought that love would bring out the best in me. At first, I used to thank the almighty for this love because I thought that I did not deserve it all. I felt lucky having Him. But I did not see any commitment from his side. Subsequently, I realized that his life is all about women and wine; my life is about Him and work.

He tortured me every day and I just became increasingly scared thinking he would abuse me both mentally and physically. I hoped things will change after many struggles.

 I am looking for work. Things have changed much after stardom faded. I am a seeker after love and recognition. It’s 10 A.M. With a heavy heart I get down from my bed.  My head is spinning and I feel dizzy. Those sleeping pills made me stagger and catch hold of the side of the bed.  I frantically search for my cell phone on the bed and call Him. A voice on the other side of the phone says that the number I was trying to reach is busy. I press 1 again. It’s the speed dial number I have assigned him. The voice says that the phone is switched off! He just not seems to be interested in me.

I sit at the breakfast table. Outside, the sun is shining brightly. I try to keep up the mask of happiness.

Mom knows about the emotional turmoil I am going through these days. OK, I admit I sometimes feign, but that is because I do not want mom to get upset. Anyways, what I am going through since many days, I doubt if anybody is going to be interested in that. Right now I feel nostalgic of the days gone by. I grew up in London. I was inspired to enter Bollywood after watching RGV’s flick Rangeela at the age of six. I am a trained Opera singer and have even recorded 6 pop tracks when I was 16. I am an expert in reggae, belly dancing, lambada, salsa, kathak, jazz and samba. I had always wanted to release a full album with my friends and wished the album to be a mix of Britney Spears, Madonna and lounge music. In 2007 I debuted in a Romantic thriller against the most respected and influential Bollywood personality. I had always wanted to work with him. It was a dream come true. Despite the provocative content in the film, it performed poorly at the box office. But the audience found my performance impressive, following which the newspapers carried headlines-"Newcomer Nafisa Khan is supremely confident. Loaded with attitude and sex appeal, the newcomer carries off her part with flourish. She is perfectly cast for the film”   I was nominated for the Film fare Award but I lost. In spite of this I was happy. People had started recognizing me and my talent. I so love cameras. I love journalists flocking to me for various interviews related to my work. I am free spirited, genial and friendly. I love doing things my way. And I love lights!

The 2008 I appeared in the Hindi remake of an English psychological thriller. The film went on to become the highest grossing Bollywood film of 2008. It also earned a blockbuster status. I received positive reception for my performance. Someone complimented me to be an “exquisite and expressive” actress! I was on cloud 9. Life changed significantly. I was independent and self sufficient. I now had whatever I wished for once I start earning my own money. My last film appearance was as a supporting actress in a comedy flick. Time and tide wait for none. It is not always when things work right for you. 6 years in Bollywood. Subsequently it seemed that Bollywood did not need me anymore. No good offers came in my way. I was broken and wanted him to be my side. But I felt alone even while with him. His presence only added to my misery.

All this is superficial, I now realize. The world is full of huge problems. No one is interested in my views. The feeling of uselessness is no respecter of age and never asks permission. It corrodes people’s souls, repeating over and over:”No one is interested in you, you are nothing, and the world does not need your presence.” In a desperate attempt to give meaning to life, many turn to religion, because a struggle in the name of a faith is always a justification for some grand action that could transform the world. These people say that they are doing God’s work. They do not realize that religion was created in order to worship and not to oppress or convert others. Sigh!

 My genius goes unrecognized, my talent unappreciated and my dreams scorned.

At the end of the day, you stand alone.

For someone who loves to be in front of the camera and who wants nothing else in her life- to have just done one film, a second lead and then a guest appearance in the course of 6 long years, is worth killing. Bollywood operates in a strange manner. Imagine my mental state when I see newer and younger girls streaming in everyday while I wait, doing nothing. At times I ponder over the fact that something must have been really wrong with my face. Why doesn't any director want to cast me?

I am just like a laborer who arrives for work and merely repeats the same tasks he did yesterday. He believed that if he was ever dismissed, no one would even notice his absence. Or consider the young woman making a dress. She takes enormous pains over every detail but when she wears it to a celebration she reads the message in other people’s eyes: You are no prettier or uglier than any of the other girls. Your dress is just one among millions of dresses all over the world, where, at this very moment, similar celebrations are being held-some in great castles, others in small villages where everyone knows everyone else and passes comments on what other girls are wearing. But no one commented on what she was wearing. Her dress went unnoticed. It was neither pretty nor ugly; it was just another dress. Useless!

I am in a strange dilemma. It has been over an hour that I have been sitting and thinking. Food seems to have lost its taste just as my life has lost its colors. I am not able to concentrate.

I once received a message about him cheating on me. But I chose to ignore it and trust him. He embarrassed me and disrespected my family. I tried to end my life by slitting my wrist following which I called him up. He was away that time so he sent his friend to attend me. Mom was at London that time. On hearing this, she immediately flew down to India to be with me. She has been staying with me since then.

My happiness is snatched and my future is destroyed. I can write in blood that no woman would love him as much as I can. He never appreciated my love and kicked me in the face. I have no confidence and self-esteem left. My talent and ambition, he took it all away and destroyed my life. He made me feel alone and vulnerable. I am so much more than this.

  Sigh! Sleeping pills to my rescue!

Till when!? Anyways I do not have anything to look forward to. Everything looks black and I’m not sure which direction to take.

I am brimming with negativity. I came to the city of opportunities with my eyes full of dreams. I wished to transform my dreams into reality and become big someday! But it never happened. Reality hit me like a sledgehammer and I fell off the cliff of my dreams. I do not have a Godfather or a Godmother in the industry. I am meeting filmmakers for work. I returned from an audition in Hyderabad a couple of days back. The role required me to put on some extra weight. I was rejected yet again.

It is dusk.

A strange anxiety has gripped my heart. I have an urge to experience the solace residing inside the earth. I do not know what is happening. They say scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them. If anyone were to see me right now, I would surely be mistaken for a desperate –lunatic.

I want to be free of this world. I do not want my mom to be sadder. Besides, if I stay here I would be missing him.

Tonight mom would be dining out with her friend and I will be all alone. I want to be free from this misery, this state of mind. I considered the camera to be my best friend; little did I know that my very best friend would deceive me! I broke down and with a little prayer in my heart I went inside my room.

The clock struck 11...

I am at panic. There is havoc in my mind.  I wanted to be one with earth. I called Him up, my last call to him, my last call to anyone for that matter. Ah! He receives the phone. We talked for 20 minutes. But I still could not bring myself a desire to live.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION—I love Lights and Camera but this probably is the last Action of my life. I am leaving a note for people to discover why my trust was broken and I was cheated which led to the doom of my life and career.  Without much ado, I hang myself on the ceiling fan of my bedroom. With no one coming to my rescue, including me, I have fallen off the cliff of my dreams…