SOLITUDE

• This is a fictitious autobiography of Jiah Khan, on the last day of her life.

           Jiah Khan, born as Nafisa Khan, was an American born British Indian actress, model and singer who appeared in Bollywood films. She made her film debut in the 2007 film Ram Gopal Verma’s Nishabd for which she was nominated for Film fare Best Female Debut Award. She was later noted for portraying modern, independent women in Ghajini which was the highest grossing Bollywood film of 2008. .She last appeared in Sajid Khan's directional film Housefull which was her second highest grossing Bollywood film of 2010.
On 4 June 2013, she was found dead in her apartment in her residence in the Sagar Sangeet building in Juhu, Mumbai after hanging herself..

They say Solitude is not the absence of Love, but its complement.

For me, Solitude is lack of company. I sometimes fear my own company! And I’m desperately looking for something to do, something to amuse myself with, and something to judge. Mom says if you are never alone, you cannot know yourself and if you do not know yourself, you will begin to fear the void. A big void exists for me. This void is so new and powerful that I am afraid to acknowledge its existence. I cannot take risks. With so much into my head right now, I cannot sleep. It is 9 A.M and I still haven’t got out of my bed. These days I see no light. I wake up not wanting to wake up. I check my cellphone with a little hope in my heart to see His message or at least a missed call, but in vain.

There was a time when I saw my life and future with Him. He promised me that once we made it to one year, we would get engaged. But he does not love me. Things are going from bad to worse. Unrequited love- and I wonder if it will be requited any day. I feel dead inside. I have never given so much of myself to love someone. He shattered all my dreams and returned my love with cheating and lies. The pain he has caused me has destroyed every bit of my soul. I cannot eat, drink, think or function. I want to run away from everything. When I first met him, I was both ambitious and disciplined and thought that love would bring out the best in me. At first, I used to thank the almighty for this love because I thought that I did not deserve it all. I felt lucky having Him. But I did not see any commitment from his side. Subsequently, I realized that his life is all about women and wine; my life is about Him and work.

He tortured me every day and I just became increasingly scared thinking he would abuse me both mentally and physically. I hoped things will change after many struggles.

 I am looking for work. Things have changed much after stardom faded. I am a seeker after love and recognition. It’s 10 A.M. With a heavy heart I get down from my bed.  My head is spinning and I feel dizzy. Those sleeping pills made me stagger and catch hold of the side of the bed.  I frantically search for my cell phone on the bed and call Him. A voice on the other side of the phone says that the number I was trying to reach is busy. I press 1 again. It’s the speed dial number I have assigned him. The voice says that the phone is switched off! He just not seems to be interested in me.

I sit at the breakfast table. Outside, the sun is shining brightly. I try to keep up the mask of happiness.

Mom knows about the emotional turmoil I am going through these days. OK, I admit I sometimes feign, but that is because I do not want mom to get upset. Anyways, what I am going through since many days, I doubt if anybody is going to be interested in that. Right now I feel nostalgic of the days gone by. I grew up in London. I was inspired to enter Bollywood after watching RGV’s flick Rangeela at the age of six. I am a trained Opera singer and have even recorded 6 pop tracks when I was 16. I am an expert in reggae, belly dancing, lambada, salsa, kathak, jazz and samba. I had always wanted to release a full album with my friends and wished the album to be a mix of Britney Spears, Madonna and lounge music. In 2007 I debuted in a Romantic thriller against the most respected and influential Bollywood personality. I had always wanted to work with him. It was a dream come true. Despite the provocative content in the film, it performed poorly at the box office. But the audience found my performance impressive, following which the newspapers carried headlines-"Newcomer Nafisa Khan is supremely confident. Loaded with attitude and sex appeal, the newcomer carries off her part with flourish. She is perfectly cast for the film”   I was nominated for the Film fare Award but I lost. In spite of this I was happy. People had started recognizing me and my talent. I so love cameras. I love journalists flocking to me for various interviews related to my work. I am free spirited, genial and friendly. I love doing things my way. And I love lights!

The 2008 I appeared in the Hindi remake of an English psychological thriller. The film went on to become the highest grossing Bollywood film of 2008. It also earned a blockbuster status. I received positive reception for my performance. Someone complimented me to be an “exquisite and expressive” actress! I was on cloud 9. Life changed significantly. I was independent and self sufficient. I now had whatever I wished for once I start earning my own money. My last film appearance was as a supporting actress in a comedy flick. Time and tide wait for none. It is not always when things work right for you. 6 years in Bollywood. Subsequently it seemed that Bollywood did not need me anymore. No good offers came in my way. I was broken and wanted him to be my side. But I felt alone even while with him. His presence only added to my misery.

All this is superficial, I now realize. The world is full of huge problems. No one is interested in my views. The feeling of uselessness is no respecter of age and never asks permission. It corrodes people’s souls, repeating over and over:”No one is interested in you, you are nothing, and the world does not need your presence.” In a desperate attempt to give meaning to life, many turn to religion, because a struggle in the name of a faith is always a justification for some grand action that could transform the world. These people say that they are doing God’s work. They do not realize that religion was created in order to worship and not to oppress or convert others. Sigh!

 My genius goes unrecognized, my talent unappreciated and my dreams scorned.

At the end of the day, you stand alone.

For someone who loves to be in front of the camera and who wants nothing else in her life- to have just done one film, a second lead and then a guest appearance in the course of 6 long years, is worth killing. Bollywood operates in a strange manner. Imagine my mental state when I see newer and younger girls streaming in everyday while I wait, doing nothing. At times I ponder over the fact that something must have been really wrong with my face. Why doesn't any director want to cast me?

I am just like a laborer who arrives for work and merely repeats the same tasks he did yesterday. He believed that if he was ever dismissed, no one would even notice his absence. Or consider the young woman making a dress. She takes enormous pains over every detail but when she wears it to a celebration she reads the message in other people’s eyes: You are no prettier or uglier than any of the other girls. Your dress is just one among millions of dresses all over the world, where, at this very moment, similar celebrations are being held-some in great castles, others in small villages where everyone knows everyone else and passes comments on what other girls are wearing. But no one commented on what she was wearing. Her dress went unnoticed. It was neither pretty nor ugly; it was just another dress. Useless!

I am in a strange dilemma. It has been over an hour that I have been sitting and thinking. Food seems to have lost its taste just as my life has lost its colors. I am not able to concentrate.

I once received a message about him cheating on me. But I chose to ignore it and trust him. He embarrassed me and disrespected my family. I tried to end my life by slitting my wrist following which I called him up. He was away that time so he sent his friend to attend me. Mom was at London that time. On hearing this, she immediately flew down to India to be with me. She has been staying with me since then.

My happiness is snatched and my future is destroyed. I can write in blood that no woman would love him as much as I can. He never appreciated my love and kicked me in the face. I have no confidence and self-esteem left. My talent and ambition, he took it all away and destroyed my life. He made me feel alone and vulnerable. I am so much more than this.

  Sigh! Sleeping pills to my rescue!

Till when!? Anyways I do not have anything to look forward to. Everything looks black and I’m not sure which direction to take.

I am brimming with negativity. I came to the city of opportunities with my eyes full of dreams. I wished to transform my dreams into reality and become big someday! But it never happened. Reality hit me like a sledgehammer and I fell off the cliff of my dreams. I do not have a Godfather or a Godmother in the industry. I am meeting filmmakers for work. I returned from an audition in Hyderabad a couple of days back. The role required me to put on some extra weight. I was rejected yet again.

It is dusk.

A strange anxiety has gripped my heart. I have an urge to experience the solace residing inside the earth. I do not know what is happening. They say scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them. If anyone were to see me right now, I would surely be mistaken for a desperate –lunatic.

I want to be free of this world. I do not want my mom to be sadder. Besides, if I stay here I would be missing him.

Tonight mom would be dining out with her friend and I will be all alone. I want to be free from this misery, this state of mind. I considered the camera to be my best friend; little did I know that my very best friend would deceive me! I broke down and with a little prayer in my heart I went inside my room.

The clock struck 11...

I am at panic. There is havoc in my mind.  I wanted to be one with earth. I called Him up, my last call to him, my last call to anyone for that matter. Ah! He receives the phone. We talked for 20 minutes. But I still could not bring myself a desire to live.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION—I love Lights and Camera but this probably is the last Action of my life. I am leaving a note for people to discover why my trust was broken and I was cheated which led to the doom of my life and career.  Without much ado, I hang myself on the ceiling fan of my bedroom. With no one coming to my rescue, including me, I have fallen off the cliff of my dreams…

WALL MART VS. AGARWAL MART

•                      Role Of F.D.I (Foreign Direct Investment) in Retail Sector in India

My grandfather reminiscences a time forty years back when he worked for the Public Works Department (PWD). His office was one of the rooms in an old, rickety building off Lalbazaar Street in the heart of Old Lucknow. The shops downstairs sold clocks, umbrellas and musical instruments. On the floor above there was a plethora of shops selling garments. Instead of the canteen they had "Agarwal bhai", who supplied soft drinks, tea, cakes, biscuits and cigarettes apart from selling usual toothpaste, soap, shampoo etc. His 12 year old son would do miscellaneous errands for his father. This boy was a school-dropout. But our story does not end here! Interestingly, in spite of being an-all-thumbs in reading and writing and hardly completing a sentence in Hindi, he knew his numbers. When socially-conscious people objected to this, his father had a riposte!

His father Agarwal Bhai's joy knew no bounds because he thought that his son-instead of wasting time in useless schooling was actually learning the ropes of his Business and tricks of trade..!!!! 

That boy must now be in his 30s, and running “Agarwalmart”.

We live in a country where family values are very strong. Strong enough for the entire Agarwal clan to help the sole bread earner Aggarwal-ji to run their Kirana Store. The local Kirana Shops i.e. Agarwal-mart offers great convenience. They stock almost every household item ranging from grocery to common medicines, from plastic toys to stationary items. They take order over the phone, pack everything immaculately and deliver at doorsteps within no time. Money transition is mainly in cash but they offer great convenience of giving credits for few weeks. They know our requirements and over the years have become an integral part of our existence. The blind trust people have on the Kirana-wallahs is greater than on the outspoken sales-people of gigantic malls!!

When Manmohan Singh announced the decision to allow foreign direct investment (FDI) in multi brand retailing, it led to chaos. The global retail giants are all set to descend on desi shores. Some argue that organized retail can help to counter food inflation and bring down prices. The introduction of F.D.I is being viewed as an amendment which would lead to consumer price reduction and employment generation. According to Kishore Biyani who is the India’s largest retailer, the fact that the price offered by modern retailers is already cheaper by 3-4% than the kiranas so there is actually nothing new that the Wall mart aims at offering the Indians.

There is always a positive side of any amendment as the introduction of F.D.I is considered to be a boon for farmers. The farmers will gain in the form of better returns for their produce as retailers will look to establish direct linkages with them. Retailers would also associate themselves with activities such as soil testing for nutrient levels to capture deficiencies and mapping of agro-input requirements. Initiatives such as these will aim to increase the productivity of farms and would also leave a “Demonstration Effect” on the farmers of other regions.

Not everyone is buying arguments such as these. Accomplished retailers say that modern retailers whether local or foreign cannot make a huge and immediate impact on farmers. The real change will happen by bringing about reforms in agricultural sector. Arvind Singhal, chairman at retail consultancy Technopak Advisors says that those in favor of F.D.I in retail would probably talk of development but little do they know that the development is done by a third party and not by the retailers.

Apart from political and regulatory roadblocks a major challenge for foreign retail chains could be catering to the diverse needs of Indian Consumer which differ from state to state and religion to religion. Indian market is considered to be one of the toughest markets. India is a home to staggering 14.6 million retail outlets. Basically it is a typical small-retail-channel country and any more channels of trade will only improvise this native format. The native Kirana format has the advantage of a minimal cost structure and small space enabling. This brings them closer to their target consumer. It would be virtually impossible for large retail chains to copy the local model. Lot of opposition to F.D.I has been coming from the middlemen who bring produce from the farm to the market. These middlemen have profited from the ban on foreign investment.

The kiranas will have to face stronger competition. Experts say apprehensions have blown out of proportion as these chains would come up only in select towns. This effectively rules out the concerns about rendering people jobless. If anything, the investment will bring in more jobs. In the end, it is the consumer that stands to benefit.

A day to Forget, A day to Remember

                                      



Like everyone else I also had a lot of expectations from the year 2010, I had had made plenty of resolutions which included making everyone happy specially my parents by studying, obviously! But I didn't know that the year itself or to be very precise the beginning of the year 2010 had something in store for me and my entire family which shook us completely.

12^th January, 2010 was just like any other day during the winter vacations. My day usually started with the Mathematics tuition. We had a test on Binomial Theorem; I had practiced a lot of questions related to the topic and was even sure of performing well in the test. In the morning I was awakened by the telephone bell and I was quite surprised that no one that day had bothered to wake me up, not even my mother. Suddenly, I heard some sobs coming from the master bedroom. I heard my dad talking in a very serious manner to the person on the other side of the phone. I tried to figure out what exactly was happening, but I could not. I got up and went up to my mom and asked her what the matter was. I was quite surprised to see tears trickling down her cheeks; she just gave me blunt answer by saying that granny was very ill and that we needed to rush urgently to Gorakhpur (where she lived).I knew that granny had not been keeping well for a couple of months, but the doctors had assured us that she was recovering, but this sudden seriousness? My father immediately called up his friend, who was a travel agent and ordered a taxi, our motive was to reach Gorakhpur, as early as possible. But I knew that something was wrong and I insisted my mom in telling me the truth. After a lot of persistence she told me that granny died as early as 2:30 A.M in the morning. The cause of the death seemed unknown but according to doctors –it was a heart failure.

 I didn't understand what to do, it was as though the entire roof had collapsed on my head and I felt dizzy. I caught hold of the side of the bed and sat down. I cried and cried and felt helpless. I regretted of not having visited her in her last days. But the fact was that we weren't prepared both mentally and emotionally for this. I thought of my grandpa who must have been completely shattered. I was told not disclose this to my brother, Avi who was still asleep. At sharp 10am we headed for Gorakhpur. I. My dad was very silent during the entire journey; my mom had tears in her eyes and throughout journey she kept telling me about the time she had spent with granny in the past years. My brother knew nothing about the death, he kept talking in a nonchalant manner about the things he’ll do on reaching granny’s place. And as far as I was concerned, I just closed my eyes and kept remembering her, her gentle, loving and caring nature. I being her eldest grandchild was pampered a lot by her. I wanted to know the time by my watch so I took out the wristwatch from the pocket of my jacket. I remembered the watch given to me by granny as a present when I was in class 8^th.I held it close to my heart and promised to keep it safe forever.

Our aim was to reach Gorakhpur as early as possible. Phone calls kept coming throughout the journey; these calls were of our anxious relatives who wanted to know in how much time we would probably reach. We reached Gorakhpur at 4:30 am in the morning. I did not know how to react- empty streets, dogs howling, those tall street lights, that old Shiva temple where granny visited almost every day seemed to give me shivers. My uncle opened the gate and stood there folding his hands, greeting us. Avi and I entered the gloomy house. I remembered our earlier visits when granny used to stand at the same entrance and hug us all. We passed the lobby of the house. The drawing room is on the left side of the lobby-there lay her dead body muffled up with clothes. Beside her was grandpa who looked at us, his eyes were red and swollen and seemed helpless. At the side of the room the was an ”angithi”  burning red and warming the room and the people there. I could recognize some other people who had also come there to express their condolences to the departed soul. Avi and me were led to another room which belonged to my uncle, Avi asked me what was happening, he could not figure out anything I was silent and I think that it was my silence that made him understand everything, as he just caught hold of my arm and told me ”You know, granny is no more, and I never wanted you to cry, so I did not tell you earlier”, he knew what all had happened but did not tell me earlier so that I do not cry. I just caught hold of him and cried. It was around 5:30 in the morning all our relatives had arrived .Since Avi had slept by that time I washed my face and went to granny’s room .Her room is not very big, but mostly there was a plethora of medicines, some stains of vomiting. Most of her dirty clothes were wrapped up ready to be given to the sweeper. I saw her pink slippers which she had bought on her visit to   Muzzafarnagar-ready to be given away. We children were not allowed to enter the room where the corpse was kept. I also met a couple of my cousins after a long time. As per the custom, the body of the dead is washed and then made to wear new clothes before being buried. This done, we were told to pay our last homage to granny by touching her feet. I promised myself that I would not cry, but what followed was- me holding her feet and shedding tears endlessly.   No comforting could cure me…..memories….only memories kept trickling down. Those tears showed how much I loved her. Yes I loved her very much. One thing I regret is not having told her how much I loved her, how much importance she held in my life. And as I now flip through old albums containing her photographs, I indeed feel that “if mothers are god’s first gifts then grandmothers’ are surely a bonus”….

Social Life Vs. Social Networking Sites

                                        



As years pass, friends leave, missions go astray, bonds weaken, grey cells decrease-gray hair increase and our jeans fade!

The thing that depends however as each year passes, as technology evolves and our complexity increases is…Stress. During the times of Asimov the 21^st century was unimaginable. Yes we have made technological leaps but even our most “advanced technologies” cannot take care of the diseases plaguing everyone. It is rightly said- Complex technologies bring complex problems.

Think about it. How stressed out we become if for some reason our service provider has a glitch and we can’t log on to Facebook, Twitter or our emails?

Or if we forgetfully leave our mobile phone at home and remember it when we are halfway to our destination?

It’s an unimaginable situation since mobile phones have now become a part of our body!. Social media has become so interconnected with our lives that we do not even realize how much we actually depend on it until something goes wrong with the service and we are unable to connect!

Isn't Our WIRED generation not the WEIRD generation??

Mark Zuckersburg made an exuberant utilization of his “soul-time” by his creating--Facebook. Little did he know that this creation would lead to a unique situation where most people throughout the world would be ruining their “soul-time” by spending more time socializing in cyberspace than socializing in real world! And mind You, soul time is the time which we devote completely to ourselves like going for a walk, gardening, listening to music and so for that matter doing anything which is our favorite pastime.

Nearly 40% of the people in the world spend more time socializing through the internet than in real life. Almost quarters say that they have missed on important moments because they were distracted by trying to share those moments on social networks! Almost 20% of the people prefer to communicate over social networks or text messages rather than talk over phone or face to face.

 Google defines a social network site as a recent phenomenon born out of the Internet that allows individuals to create a personal profile or identity, and connect with friends and strangers alike almost anywhere in the world. This definition holds good till these sites do not rule our lives. Good old days when friends would meet and chat aimlessly without distraction are long gone. These days, social media and what’s happening on Facebook and the like rule our world. It’s about how accessible emails and the internet are, and not by what our friends are telling us in conversation.

Last year in early October, the Blackberry network in the U.S and parts of Europe and Middle East had a meltdown and so people could not connect to each other through the internet. The frustration of the people reached its pinnacle.  In an article from The Telegraph newspaper showed how much being connected to social media means to people.

“So I have no email, Twitter or BBM on my BlackBerry; I may as well cut one of my arms off too *angry face*”. This comment was posted on Twitter by an angry Blackberry user! We have submitted ourselves to the social sites such that even a day without social sites is hard to imagine.

A strange phenomenon is taking place all over the globe when the distinction between real world and cyber world is getting blurred. Many times the positive and negative human emotions are getting mailed and blackmailed over the cyber frequencies. Many impostors and cyber-squatters have flooded the cyberspace and often fooled us in believing them. The younger generation being novice and immature/inexperienced have fallen prey to their dark intentions  Thus the social networking sites present a strange dilemma in today’s times and lives. They connect us socially with like minded people as well as sometimes connect with anti-socials.

 The social networking sites present a great opportunity to our society but like any other technology it is like a double edged sword. Their social relevance is undisputed but in inexperienced hands they can create havoc. Some sort of self discipline and self regulations is the requirement of the day. A certain level of maturity is essential in dealing with technology. Unless we achieve that maturity we should be extremely cautious in dealing with social networking sites.