Virtual Vanity

• You know you have gone too far when you start typing your name in the Google Search Engine...

Like most teenagers, I dreamed myself of one day having my name in lights. Perhaps, an interview in National Geographic for my work with African apes. Maybe an Oscar for my portrayal of a feisty heroine in an epic drama preferably set in Scotland. Or a Nobel prize for writing, which I would collect in Stockholm wearing a black turtleneck.

To be honest, none of these has come true. I prefer dogs to apes. My writings are used to line the bottom of my sock drawer. And, I have never been to Scotland.

Sure, as a writer I got my name in the occasional glow of a byline in our school magazine and even today in the college journal but the Oscars and Nobels, interviews and going places is but a distant dream!

Like most users, I am a gratuitous Googler, squandering valuable work time looking up for invaluable topics such as the trailers of recent movies( and of course, watch endless flicks too!), repeat telecasts of a couple of soaps, pdf files of the books I want to read or the latest footwear in the market. But among these endless searches will be a valuable constant: my own name.

In the great scheme of things, I am not very important. I have never been medically paroled from jail. I have never gone to rehab and I am not about to marry a famous celebrity. But when I Google my name, I realize that besides being me, I am apparently also a student at IIT Kharagpur. I am a healthcare executive and the branch manager of a Ranchi-based travel agency. I am in a relationship which is complicated. I also speak multiple languages. Phew!

My dad once jokingly suggested that I should seek psychological help for my addiction. True, I Google myself every day. And yes, there are times when, like a bulimic digging into a second bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I feel out of control, gorging on images and news groups for glimpses of myself.

I could counter that my profession as an amateur blogger demands that I check in on myself to ensure accuracy! I could argue that other people stare at themselves in the mirror, or hoard fake friends on Facebook, so what’s the difference?

In cyberspace, there is no such thing as big fish in little ponds, or little fish in big ponds. Instead, it is one swirling, bubbling swamp of amoebas, all gasping for their own share of air. And for ego surfers, it is important we float to the surface. Research by the Pew Internet and American Life Project in 2007 found that 47% of internet users in the US have performed self-Googling more than double the number from five years prior. Now, new web tools such as popuri.us, addictomatic.com and egoSurf.org are attempting to confer some sort of hierarchy to the pond. Type in your name, and they will plumb the depths of the swamp, casting their nets far and wide, generating ego ranking for you, calculated on how many times you are mentioned in the murk.

I have realized like wine, watching soaps and eating pizzas, modernization is the key to virtual vanity-and keeping it to your self-paramount. When you plunge in the competitive realm of rival surfing, a frantic search of name, searching colleagues, heroes or any relationship for that matter, you are sure to sink into the hell of self-doubt and comparisons. There is always someone out there with a higher ranking, a better picture, a bigger job.

You might even discover that your nemesis has won a Nobel Prize, been interviewed by Karan Johar, saved every ape from the Congo to Cambodia and has landed a movie role-set in Scotland!

No one needs that net result.